This blog has proven more difficult to keep than I imagined.
A few days ago my friend and mail lady, Sheri, stopped by my house on her break. I mentioned the antibiotic protocol to her and after less than a minute of explanation I said something to the effect of, "Oh well. Let's change the subject. What's new at your house?"
Sheri smirked.
"What?" I asked her, thinking she was ready to divulge something juicy.
"You always do that," she replied.
"Always do what?" I asked, confused and off-balance (this time not as a result of the arthritis).
"You always change the subject when it comes to your health. You don't talk about it."
She was right. I don't like to talk about it.
As a senior in high school my English teacher required that we map out the next ten years of our lives, then describe our 28-year-old selves. I wish I still had that hand-written graph and final depiction. I'm pretty sure I didn't identify myself as chronically ill. It was not my aspiration to be the sick girl, the girl who overcame rheumatoid arthritis to accomplish normal things like raising children, sustaining a marriage (pain doesn't help the ol' libido much, by the way), and helping my husband maintain a home-based business.
Even though it's been twenty years since I created my original vision for my future, free of illness, I still hang tenaciously on to that picture of myself, my healthy self. I fear that talking about the sick Angela will cause my memory of healthy Angela to dim, much like our memories of deceased loved ones become faded over time.
However, I see now that possibly a deeper purpose of this blog--for me--is to force me to stop denying that sick Angela exists so that she and healthy Angela can unite to become Angela. Just Angela.
2 comments:
Hi there!
Yes I lived in Sellards Schol Hall right behind Frasier. It was a great walk to class ;) I graduated in 2007. Still really miss those years. What did you study there?
The Rabbit is my sister's boyfriend. Quite the character that kid
How's your RA? how long have you had it?
Hi Angela! I follow your other blog (thats how I found this one). I completely understand having a place to let out some of the frustrations and putting your medical info on paper (so hard to keep track of when it changes so much, isn't it?). I don't really like to talk about my health problems either. I don't mind it if someone asks and genuinely cares to hear the answer, but I'd rather be remembered and described, I guess you can say, for whatever reasons/characteristics besides my health. Exactly as you described in your post. It's why I started my own health blog: http://thelifeandtimesofagirlwithra.blogspot.com/, please stop by and check it out. I've only recently heard of AP and am really interested in hearing how it works for you. I've been doing my own research to see if it will help me, before asking my own dr about it. A couple other blogs I've found who are also trying AP, in case you're interested: http://southerngalra.blogspot.com/ and http://texasgrower.blogspot.com/
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